Tending Your Garden

This blog is for anyone who has ever felt the same way.

With everything going on in the world right now, I have found it increasingly difficult to have grace with myself in my own walk with God. Beautiful and innocent children and families have been taken from this earth and have been called home, yet I sit here and cry at life's smallest inconveniences. I sit and shame myself for not "feeling" worth much of anything, just because my life is not abundantly producing the fruit that I so desperately wish it would create. It constantly feels as if everyone is doing better than me, even those going through pain and struggle. Not that I am hoping to experience something devastating or wish any pain on myself, but we cannot lie and say that growth does not occur through those things; that true strength is not found in intense trials. Change flourishes when struggle is present.

I hope none of this comes across as me complaining about everything being seemingly "good" during this season of my life, because nothing is as it seems. However, I would describe this deep conflict more as "hunger". I would call it desire. My soul faces starvation at the longing to do the work that God has sent me here to do, but I am well aware that now is not the time to move. I must wait, but I despise sitting idle. Currently, my summer days have consisted of work, food, the gym, nightly calls with my boyfriend, and

sleep. This idleness has set in so deeply that each free moment is spent scrolling through social media and bombarding my friends' DMs with Instagram Reels. Occasionally, I write, and I do still pray off and on throughout my day, but even such a reverent privilege is slowly becoming a mundane task. This reality breaks my heart in more ways than one. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that the desire to be more intentional and proactive is enough on its own, but there comes a point when it isn't enough anymore.

Good intentions grasped onto for far too long without profitable action soon become nothing more than a good idea - a fantasy far out of reach, never to be acted upon. With this being so, imagine the frustration I have with myself - the inner battle I fight - in not knowing what to do with this season. One thing I always try to remind myself of is that God still deserves glory and praise, regardless of how I feel. The guilt that weighs on my chest, knowing I haven't been doing any work for Him due to a lack of motivation, tears at my soul. What's more is that this internal struggle comes from years of unbroken cycles and bad habits: for the longest time, I was on one end of an extreme or another. I have only known what it is like to either flourish or wilt; to be extremely good, or in a very dark place. In realizing this pattern of extremeness, I cannot help but ask myself, "What is a person supposed to do when they reach the in between?" What to do when there is no painful growth, but also no abounding fruit? How does one move except with the wind when this inner conflict stirs? And in my experience, I have found that it can all begin with a question. Christ says to pray and ask; he tells us to believe in the things we ask for, to believe we have already received the answer, the blessing, and that it will be ours (Mark 11:24). Of course, I marvel at the number of times this has been true for my life.

One night a couple of weeks ago, during my solo drive to the gym (as my brother usually goes with me but consequently decided to skip this night), I prayed aloud and I asked God about all of these burdens weighing on my heart. I asked him to help me with my struggles and to give me clarity. I bared my heart, mind, and soul to him and pleaded with him to help me with these behaviors that I was so weak to comprehend. I begged him to provide me with desire and motivation; to strengthen my self-discipline and guide me in the direction that he would have for me to go during this waiting season. I shared with him how exhausted I was and that it felt like all I did was try and make no progress whatsoever. That is when I found peace. A tired soul has access to peace when the belief of what you pray for does not lie in the things you ask of, but instead rests within the one of whom you are asking. In Mark 11:22-25, it says, "Have faith in God" in bright red letters, meaning Jesus spoke these words himself. In being overcome with his peace and knowing this truth that Mark speaks, I simply shut my mouth and drove in silence the rest of the way to the gym, listening for even a whisper of his still, small voice. In that moment, I felt him simply calling me to sit quietly and wait for him.

After speaking with God, I decided to open up to my best friend about the hopelessness I was feeling and experiencing, hoping that confession to another woman of God could direct me, as God has never failed to speak to me through her. During this conversation is when I was enlightened with a truth bomb I am not entirely sure I wanted to hear in that moment - but, hey, ask and you shall receive, right? With all of the plant analogies being thrown around this night, she posed me with the question: "What does a farmer do between summer and harvest?" The answer: He does not stand out on the edge of his field, look out at his crops, and says, "Looks alright to me" before walking away. No, he cannot do this, because the biggest part of growing is "tending to the fruit in the waiting seasons". In other words, preparation is the most important aspect of doing Kingdom work. Tending to fruit is a slow process that doesn't produce major results right away or in the same way that a plentiful harvest does, but this does not mean that nothing is there. Sometimes the fruit of the harvest may only be seen slightly swaying in the wind. Sometimes seeing small progress is the beauty and foreshadowing of the plentiful harvest to come. But I was left wondering, how do I tend to my fruits during their waiting seasons so that they do not wilt and wither? Galatians 5:22-23 identifies the fruits that we should be tending to. Identifying what we are taking care of is the first step:

LOVE	JOY	PEACE
PATIENCE	KINDNESS	GOODNESS
FAITHFULNESS	GENTLENESS	SELF-CONTROL

Next, there are 3 basic actions in which we can tend to these fruits: weeding, watering, and feeding.

1) Weeding - It is highly important to put the bad things in our lives to death. Just earlier in Galatians 5:19-21, we see a list of the things that should be plucked from our lives:

¹⁹ Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, ²¹ envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things—as I warned you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

These things, and others alike, are the very ones that keep us separated, or distanced from the Lord. They are hindrances and distractions that must be put away from your heart and mind. When you are in a season in which you do not know how to glorify God, try searching your heart and your habits to see which of these things (and anything similar) may need some work. What better way to master overcoming these poor aspects than by practicing locking them away? Anytime you are faced with these things, or find yourself struggling with them, choose to ask God for this strength and try walking a different path; throw your bad habits in the trash and keep walking towards a better tomorrow.

2) Watering - One of the best ways to connect with God is to pray**. Water your relationship with God by constantly seeking him and seeking the work he would have for you to do (Waiting season --> Working season). Ask God to help you have spiritual discipline in keeping the fruits of the Spirit in practice, even during the tending/waiting season. You do not have to sit "idle". Without prayer, it is also difficult to become familiar with God's voice when he responds to you. Returning to Mark chapter 11, how will you obtain what you need if you are not asking those things of God? Asking for help and guidance is one of the most difficult things for us as imperfect humans to do, because of pride. Do not let your pride keep you from having a deep, personal connection with God.

3) Food/Fertilizer - How can you know what you need to pray about if you don't read your Bible***? Just like working out in the gym, it is highly necessary that you have fuel. Fuel your soul with the Word of God just as Jesus did those 40 days and nights in the wilderness. We also learn all the ways to do God's work by learning the lessons of those who came before us, by reading those personal accounts of how God provided deliverance in sin and struggle. On top of this, how can we bear the fruits of the Spirit if we don't dive deeper into God's character - into who God truly is? Consider this: Are you reading your bible to learn more about yourself, or to learn more about him? The truth is that it is not possible to be more like him if you do not know him.

I know all of this sounds extremely simple compared to my anguish just earlier, and you may even want to believe there is more to it - that tending your garden is much harder work. That everything I have said cannot possibly be true, but do not let Satan deceive you. God didn't ask you to bear the sins of the world; he already sent his only begotten son for that (John 3). Instead, he simply asks us to carry our own burdens and hand them over to God so that he may direct our paths, himself (Galatians 6). Remember that you do not have to understand what God is calling you to; you simply have to be obedient to it; make sure you are sowing obedience. That is how you will eventually reap a plentiful harvest!

Prayer:

"Dear Lord, I know the devil is the prince of deceit and master of distractions. I ask that you please shield me from his attempts at pulling me from your grasp and please strengthen me to withstand these temptations. I ask that you please fuel my hunger and desire for you to the point that I have no choice but to act on it. Help me to understand your love and mercy more so that I may have a greater capacity to be a good influence and example for your kingdom. Please guide me in the three things discussed above and give me grace when I fall short. Lord, remind me that your strength is made great amid my weaknesses and help me to place my pride aside so that I may continue asking you for the things I need most help with. I love you, Lord. Thank you for all you have done for me, and thank you for bringing me as far as you have. I do not deserve your love and grace, yet I am thankful that you show them to me regardless.

In Jesus' Name, I Pray,

Amen."

Verses:

• Mark 11:22-25

• Galatians 5:19-23

• Hebrews 4: 15-16

• Psalm 145: 16-19

• Matthew 4:1-4

• John 3: 14-18

• Galatians 6: 4-9

Reflection:

Ask yourself:

• If I were to subtract my feelings right now, what are the facts? Is the devil emotionally manipulating me into believing I am not doing enough? Am I doing what Christ calls me to do?

• What fruits of the Spirit do I see in my life? Don't see? Which rotten fruits do I need to throw out?

• What does my prayer life look like? Am I bringing everything to God, or trying to carry it all on my own? What things should I be more focused on giving up to Christ?

• Am I reading scripture so that I can learn more of God's character and conform to His image, or am I trying to create excuses for pre-existing behaviors?

• Does my faith truly lie in the truth that the Word speaks, or is there doubt present in my heart? Am I being prideful?

**For any help learning how to pray more fervently and effectively, go to your Files tab and click on the PDF I have uploaded for a guide titled: Born Again Prayer Guide*

***If you are new to scripture and struggling with knowing where to begin reading your Bible, fill out the form at the bottom of this page, and I will refer you to some starting places!

*To open the Folder titled "MY PDFs", there is a 0.25-cent fee. All proceeds will be added to the donation center for the Philippines missions. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.