Matching Desires

Pain.

Unfortunately, something we are all too terribly familiar with. Pain can have such nasty effects on our lives. I've felt them, and I am sure you have felt them, too. Sometimes, it makes us want to rip the hair out of our scalps; it can produce anger and other times, it makes us want to isolate ourselves and do nothing but lay in a numbing puddle of self-pity. Pain, when handled the wrong way, produces unhappiness and many different waves and forms of depression. And if there is one thing I know about pain, it is that there are definitely wrong and right ways of dealing with it.

I have felt this unusual weight on my chest for countless days, especially those in the past year. Every day has felt so heavy. The friction between doing what glorifies God versus doing what glorifies the world has been so intense that it's burned my heart to ashes. Oftentimes, our desires align with that which does not please God but will please our flesh and bring us temporary satisfaction. Because of this profound, ongoing battle with my flesh, I have discovered a very powerful and important prayer I believe everyone must pray to strengthen their relationship with God. That prayer is the prayer of desire and surrender. You must be wondering why I used the word "desire" when this word is usually used negatively in terms of Christianity, especially when talking about our flesh and mind's desires. For example, Ephesians 2:3 says,

"Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others."

By nature, we are sinful. Our flesh will automatically desire and long for that which is not of God, and we must be very careful about this. Do you remember that saying, "Do what makes you happy"? Would it surprise you to learn that saying comes from a worldly point of view? It is not of God. As children of God, we are called to do what glorifies Him. Doing this produces God's sweet Peace and everlasting Joy, but it would be impossible to receive these things if we indulge in what the world offers instead. And you absolutely cannot walk the line either. You can not be partly for the world and partly for God; it's dangerous. I promise you that this comes from a perspective of experience, too. I am not about to sit here and lie to you and make it seem as though I have everything together. I don't. That is exactly why I started writing. It started as a coping mechanism that brought me through the pain I brought upon myself. Then, it turned into something beautiful; something that has the possibility to connect with those who also don't have it all together. My goal now is to use my mistakes to hopefully prevent others from making the same ones I so stupidly made.

Because the truth is, I am just as guilty as the next person; I've taken part in the world and become the most selfish version of myself. I still do at times and most of those times, it isn't even on purpose; it occurs as instinct. That is because it is our instinct to act in a way that does not follow what God is and what Jesus stands for. But with God, He has the power to transform both you and me. He tells us that the sinful identity we so often dip our toes in does not have to become who we are or who we were born to be; He tells us that we do not have to drown in our sin. He created me with a purpose, and although I sometimes abuse that purpose, He still gives me opportunity after opportunity to ask for repentance and seek forgiveness. Just as a starving baby begs for food to survive, I have fallen to my knees time and time again to beg God to show me His grace and mercy. And exactly as a caring parent would, He has responded to my supplications; he has supplied me with what I needed and asked for. Because without him and what he has to offer, I am nothing. Without his guidance, I am nothing. Let me bring this one verse to your attention:

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." - Psalm 37:4

This verse has a lot to unpack, doesn't it? We must first delight ourselves in the Lord. What does this mean? To delight ourselves in the Lord, we must find ultimate satisfaction in Him and enjoy the blessings He so graciously supplies us with every day. We must practice counting our blessings. I must admit that I am guilty of overlooking those very blessings that He gifts me. The first one is that first breath I breathe the moment I open my eyes in the morning. The Bible says that God's mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), which means that every new day we have the privilege to wake up to is another chance to do better than the day before. And if, for whatever reason, we can't, even after trying our best, we still have tomorrow. What a blessing it is to have such a forgiving Father!

So what about that second part of the verse? If you delight yourself in Him, He shall give you the desires of your heart! This is not to be confused with the worldly desires we struggle with daily. Our worldly desires may often be interconnected, or similar, to those in God's original plan for our lives, resulting in a stronger walk with Jesus. By saying this, I am saying that training ourselves to target those worldly desires toward what Jesus stands for, can completely change the game for us. For example, imagine those of us who crave to be loved by someone so badly. We want to find our partner - the person God has for us. Sometimes, some of us may become impatient and take the first person that seems good for us on the surface. In this case, we are desiring the love God tells us we will have if we have faith, but we are just going the wrong way about waiting for it or seeking it. What we should do, is target that longing for love towards God and seek that love and validation from only Him. For He is truly the only one who could love you the most out of any other being in this entire universe. However, I must confess that I am still guilty of taking action on my own and having no regard for God's plan for me. I have waltzed forward blindly in life without taking God with me, which is not good at all. It results in strife, and more times than not, it only prolongs that dreadful waiting. These very facts are why praying that prayer of desire is so important.

It is necessary that we pray to God and ask him to align our heart's desires with His and what he desires for our lives. Honestly, I believe it should be a requirement. I was never even aware that I could pray for something like this until about two years ago. I began seeking God and praying to Him like never before after going through a very draining relationship at 16 years old. By the end of the relationship, I felt as if I was building my relationship with God back up from scratch. I was exhausted, distraught, and had no idea what in the world to do with my life. So, I did the only thing I had left to do: rest at the Lord's feet. There were so many nights I dropped to my floor and just broke down. I cried, prayed, and cried some more. I felt so incredibly hopeless and helpless. I questioned why I was on this earth and pleaded with God about whether I even had a purpose or not; but thankfully, this is exactly what God wants from us. He wants us to turn our brokenness over to Him and throw all the pieces down in front of him so that he can remove that weight from our hearts, cast it to the side, and build something even greater. You see, sometimes it is Okay to start from scratch; it is Okay to start over. You don't have to befriend your broken pieces, your loneliness, or your emptiness when you have God there to fulfill every bit of your existence and cast those things out.

I remember my mental state when going through this breakup. I was not Okay. I felt as if something was wrong with me - so much so that I went to a psychiatrist to see if I had some underlying mental problem. I isolated myself from everyone because I was embarrassed and hurt by the situation. There were so many rumors going around about me and people talked about me constantly because of who I had previously chosen to be with. I was scared to face much of anyone at school, so I avoided everyone as much as possible and cut off most communication with my friends. But I did have this one particular friend that I went to about what I was going through. She had already graduated, so I didn't have to worry about people at school finding out what I talked to her about (I became very paranoid). At the time, I did not have many close Christian friends who walked hand-in-hand with God, but this girl did. I felt comfortable going to her. She supported me like no one else, and although she and I don't speak as often now, I still hold her and her family very close to my heart.

I used to visit her church with her occasionally and was even asked to speak and share my testimony at a few of their youth nights. They took me in, prayed for me, and prayed over me. I have never had a bad experience attending church with her, and after every service, if we rode together, she would drop me off at my house and pray with me before I exited the car. One night, she specifically prayed over me that my desires would align with the plans God has for my life. My mind was blown. I asked myself why I had never thought of praying this over my life before. I am forever grateful that this friend went to war for me through prayer when I needed it most, and I have learned so much from her. Following that night, I began praying that prayer over my life every single time I prayed. I knew I was not perfect, and I had fallen short in way more ways than just one, so this prayer absolutely changed my life. I slowly began tapping into the Sweet Peace that God offers us and even began longing for the things God would have wanted for my life (except for the few awful times I did fall back into old cycles and made some pretty dumb decisions, but those are stories for another day).

I must warn you, though, that this prayer is not easy. It takes a great deal of daily surrender. You have to be prepared to release anything from your tight grip that God requires you to let go of to advance in your purpose. If you pray the prayer half-heartedly, you will never make the progress that your soul longs to make. Trust me... I wish I did not know this, but I do; being stubborn against what God asks you to do is never good. The tighter you hold onto the things that are not destined for you, the more God will allow you into these cycles of endless pain and disappointment. He allows this until you realize that all you have to do is set it down at His feet and forget about it. Let him handle everything. And I sympathize with those of you who are thinking, "But it is easier said than done, Alayna." Because sweetheart, I have been there way more times than I could care to admit. I am the Queen of Excuses when it comes to surrendering my issues, struggles, and sins to God. I am simply not good at letting go or facing change. My goal is not to make any of you think poorly of me or for you to pity me - I have spent enough time feeling sorry for myself. Rather, I am finally taking that step to face where I have fallen short in my life and hoping that maybe - just maybe - I can help someone else through the same things I have faced. Facing our struggles and sins is one of the most difficult things for a human being to do and that is because of the harsh battle against pride.

Pride was the original sin. Did you know that? Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden because of their fleshly desire to be like God. They were prideful and did not seek to humble themselves before God. Instead, they sought to be equal to Him, and because they ate of the forbidden fruit, their eyes were opened, and they became ashamed. They were so ashamed, that they tried to hide from God. That is why it is so difficult to face ourselves when we make decisions we know aren't the best - our conscience tugs at our hearts, and we become ashamed. And a lot of times, it is so hard to look past that pride and apologize to those we have done wrong - especially when it comes to apologizing to ourselves.

We must also learn to give ourselves grace in the same way that God does. When Jesus was on the cross - giving His life for us so that we might have eternal life - He asked God to forgive his prosecutors, for they knew not what they were doing (Luke 23:34). The very people that set out to murder the Son Of God were forgiven because Jesus wanted it that way. Let me point out how powerful it was for Jesus to look those people in their faces, in pain, knowing that they hated Him, and still mustered the love and grace to forgive them for what they were doing to Him. I don't know about you, but if I were in that position, I am not so sure that I could have done that. But Jesus did. And how wonderful was He? He laid down pride and his life for us so we might have eternal life. He could have escaped that death with nothing but a single word - a breath even - but He did not. Why? Because He knew there was no other way. The blood of the Perfect had to have been shed - the ultimate sacrifice. He humbled Himself on that cross, knowing the power He had access to, and still chose one of the worst deaths in the history of man. And maybe not the worst death in terms of what they did to Him, but the worst because He died with the weight of the entire world on His heart. No one else who has lived can say they understood, or understand, what Jesus went through because there has never been another person like him.

People like you and I can relate to many different things and help each other through them. We face the same sins, and we fall into the same temptations. But Jesus, he was perfect. His love for us was perfect. He loved both you and me enough to forgive us before we even had the chance to commit the sins we have committed. I find comfort in believing that Jesus thought of me when he was on that cross; that He thought about all that I would do and not do, and he still chose to love me despite those things. I find comfort in believing He thought of me, and his heart warmed just a little bit more inside because He knew that he was saving me from eternal torment - and for just a moment, that He was at peace, knowing it all would be worth it. Ultimately, I am comforted knowing that the desires He had for my life were much greater than those I could never even begin to fathom.

Prayer:

"Dear Lord, I want to Thank you. Thank you for sending your son to die for me so that I could have all of these chances. Thank you for loving me enough to forgive me before I even had the opportunity to commit the sins I have committed. Lord, I ask that you please align my heart's desires with the desires that you have for me. I ask that you please declare all good things over my life and help me declare them and believe them for myself. I am aware that I cannot do this without you and that I am unworthy to even do this with you, but that you still choose me again and again. I do not deserve you, but I am so grateful that you love and include me regardless of my insecurities. Lord, help me surrender all things to you every day, and please strengthen my daily walk with you.

In Jesus' Name, I Pray,

Amen."

Reflect:

• What is it that I am too stubborn to let go of? What kind of hold does this thing/person have on my life (is it controlling me)?

• How often do I pray and surrender these things to God?

• Do I truly believe that God can take these things from me and turn my situation into good?

• What is it that I truly desire out of my life? From those around me? From my walk with God?

We must first face these very difficult questions if we want to make progress in these difficult seasons. It all starts with seeking out what God is asking us to let go of, and from there, we can move forward. Don't keep letting these things weigh you down for longer than they need to, like they did me!